As a recovering alcoholic and reformed bully, let me say to those of you who bullies and trolls have abused, I wish I could take all of your pain away.
I have been on the receiving end of my bullies’ horrid abuse, but I am writing about the harm I caused and what triggered me to spew that poison out.
My family taught me to bully others, and when I did, the behavior came out of nowhere. Because of their daily abuse, I ended up clinical depression, burdened with Complex P.T.S.D., catapulted into alcoholism, incest, sexual abuse and more. I became learning impaired and have traumatic amnesia. I have written what I remember from my childhood and it didn’t even take 3 pages. My memory locked the rest up somewhere in my brain, inaccessible.
I remember one neighborhood girl I was horrid to.
I remember saying to her what my mother and sisters said to me day in and day out. I made that poor child cry and I remember feeling bad about that. I didn’t know what to do. I thought her behavior justified my talking to her the way I did.
That is just one snapshot of my background. I am not looking for sympathy.
I am sharing why I became a bully, like my mother and my sisters.
I was their victim first, but I became a bully.
I would give anything if I could go back and change it.
When I bullied innocent victims, I told myself their behavior justified my anger.
They said or did something that made me angry, and the only way I learned to deal with anger was to blow up at the current source.
That is what I learned from my mother and two older sisters. They told me, showed me, and saturated me with their fury and rage every day.
Since they never allowed me to voice my opinions or feelings, they festered inside me. A child abused by three adults most of my life, my festering was monumental.
So, if something set me off, my conditioning kicked in and out flew poisonous verbiage spewed at my unsuspecting victim who did not deserve my toxic fury.
So, two things I want you to understand about bullies and trolls.
As victims of their bullies, they are fragile emotionally. That is one reason they spit out anger unjustified.
The second thing is next time you see or hear bullying or troll venting; ask yourself what hell they must live in for something so painful comes out of their mouths.
Then if you can safely disengage and walk away, please, do so saying nothing.
You don’t know who they are bullying and what harm they can do taking out their anger on someone weaker or some poor defenseless animal.
- Sober 13+ Years, This Is What I Want People to Understand About Bullying and Cyber-Trolling - December 15, 2020
- The T.V. Interview, the Daily Mail Article, and the Closer UK Interview About My Reformed Bullying Behavior *TRIGGER WARNING* - December 13, 2020
- Sober 12+ Years, This is What I Have Learned in Recovery About Apologizing and Making Amends - December 13, 2020